In the struggle
to be someone I want
I struggle
to be someone I'm not

So I kick off the bedsheets, frantic
while nighttime pounds my hull like a rusty anchor
bathed in green phosphor, the curse weakens
shrouded as if in caustic, septic, skeptic
under the ice like a sleeping fish
uncomfortable in my own skin
while horse latitudes nip at my heels,
I want to sleep, but I can't

Because I know where daylight will lead me
and it does
as it always does,
like dozens of little miracles all stitched together
in a daisy chain of my own design, I let go
and I reach for one, which always leads me to the next
and the next one always promises to take me
closer to your heart

And the one at your heart, it always sends me
further away from anything that I've ever wanted
instead, closer to everything I've ever needed
because it's times like these where I miss you most...

Yesterday I was waiting for pizza
and I took a shiny coin in change,
I never really would've paid attention
but this one had your birth year on it
and the moment was so crystalline
that I put it in my other pocket
and for the rest of my pepperoni-mushroom-black olive day
and every time I felt bothered, insulted or bitten by catastrophe
I just touched your coin, over and over in my fingers
I just touched you (was I being silly?)
until I could smell strawberries hiding in the rain

Your phantom came out of my pocket
holding me suspended right there at the busstop
and it said to me "you will persevere
because you must..."

And it was absolutely right.